True Love VS. Realism Poll

[emmuzka]

There is a person that you truly, really love. Which traits below would most probably keep you from marrying him/her?



[Poll #969504]

Comments

[glendaglamazon.livejournal.com]

If I really, really loved someone, none of these issues would factor in. Any of these issues might keep me from dating someone in the first place, but if I fell in love with them under one or more of these circumstances, it wouldn't prevent me from continuing to love them/spending my life with them.

[emmuzka.livejournal.com]

That is true. Okay, lets say, "What would keep you from dating someone?"

I might try to edit that Question, but editing entrys with polls has a bad habbit of destroying the poll code.

[rikes]

30 years younger than me = not born yet. :D

I think I need to go back and tick some more boxes because apparently I'm picky.

But hey, you didn't ask the ever-important "is he taller than you?"! ;)

[emmuzka.livejournal.com]

Hey, I forgot that important question! And how about "has flat chest/small penis/is bald?"

[arye-sarin.livejournal.com]

Interesting poll. Thanks for making it. : )

Regarding results: I was a bit surprised with the age issues (so many wouldn't marry someone who is considerably younger or older) because it doesn't matter anything to me. But that just me. Personal experience. : )

[emmuzka.livejournal.com]

I think that if the younger f the couple is old/mature enough, then it doesn't matter that much, but still. I know a couple where one is 28 and the other is over fifty. Kind of disturbing to me, being with someone the same age as one's mother :/

[arye-sarin.livejournal.com]

In my opinion both parts of the couples have to be mature enough. Otherwise the age difference doesn't matter to me.
Sometimes I've met couples who are physically of same age, but mentally the one is 15 and the other is 40 or 50. That can happen as well and that disturbs me more than physical age difference.

[elowena.livejournal.com]

Interesting poll! I ticked a few of the boxes, although I think many of the things I clicked are things that would keep me from falling in love with someone in the first place and hence not really a factor in the marry or not question.

I believe in "love conquers all" to some extent, but I think there can be many obstacles that keep you from getting to that point. It's easier to accept faults that only become apparent after you've fallen.

[emmuzka.livejournal.com]

Yep, this is a view point thing. I'm kind of looking for an answer for if one could make a commitment to be with somebody for years, if not for the rest of life. Would you trust that much of a perso who would be lazy, or work-a-holic, or if you were the other woman? Would you trust for the other to really commit to you?

[sua-lay.livejournal.com]

he/she would require you to stop doing something that you really like (keep cats, go to bars without him/her, reading slash etc.)

You know, I'll never understand how some people fall into this. I mean, can they really change their lives so completely because someone demands it and be happy about it? Shouldn't love be about loving who you really are and about respect?

*shakes her head*

[arye-sarin.livejournal.com]

I agree with sua_lay. I definitely wouldn't do that.
That was one of the few things I said yes to. Or no. I mean I wouldn't accept that kind of demand at all from Mr. Right. That would instantly make him Mr. Wrong.
But I am already married and hopefully for good. Me and my hubby have mostly common hobbies/interests/friends but also some of our own. And that's perfectly fine with both of us. I couldn't think of it any other way.

Actually I didn't believe in that love conquers all-thing so much as I do now. I never believed that I'd find a man who would have exactly the right attitude (I even asked my shrink what's the wisest thing to do for a hubby in a case like me) for a wife who has depression, is bulimic and sometimes even cuts herself. But I did. My hubby's perfect. ; ) Even though he could clean up the house more often. ; P

[mitzi007.livejournal.com]

Being married this all is hyphotetical for me. Nevertheless...

I agree with a previous comment that many of these would be dealbreakers already at the dating stage. I doubt I would be interested in someone who had considerably different values or goals than me or with whom I couldn't have meaningful conversation due to different level of intelligence or lack of shared language.

I also wouldn't date someone who tried to control my behaviour or required me to convert to his religion. Or hit me. Or currently used drugs or had an untreated alcohol problem.

Previous drug use or criminal behaviour would give me a pause, but if he has stopped it, I would let it be.

The age thing is mostly a non issue to me. The mental age and compatibility are much more important.

I wouldn't date someone who is really bad in bed unless he was willing to learn in which case he hopefully would no longer be really bad. You didn't mention it but I also wouldn't date someone who wanted to wait until marriage.

Can't have or won't have kids

These are not equal in my mind. Being unable to have children is not the same as not wanting them. If a person can't have kids there is always adoption but if he doesn't want them there isn't much I can do.

[lumiyu.livejournal.com]

Quite hyphotetical to me too, but interesting still. I took the questions mostly from the point of view of "Would you fall in love with..." rather than "Would you marry.." If I was desperately madly truly in love with scitzofrenic, stupid, alcoholic wifebeater who demands I convert to muslisms and cut contact with all my friends... Well, I probably wouldn't :P But being in love, I would be more forgiving with lot of problems, given that the other person is trying.

[anglepoiselamp.livejournal.com]

Violence/drugs/alcohol are a big no no for me. And while I'd like to be idealistic and say true love conquers all, I'd have to think twice about anyone with mental problems - I'm not stable and strong enough to be a support person for anyone else. Hell, I don't even deal very well with other people on the autistic spectrum.

[rowanna73.livejournal.com]

Interesting poll! And once again, I'd say many of the answers depend on the situation. And I admit that many of the options are such that they probably don't matter that much if you are really truly madly in lovewith someone - many of the options, however, are such that they probably would have prevented me falling in love with said person in the first place... But it's fascinating to see, what kind of things set me off and what people in general are looking forward in a life partner - or not.

I agree with mitzi007 to the notion of being unable and not wanting to have kids is a totally different thing. But as a person with a long struggle with infertility problems, I'd like to point out that saying "There's always adoption" is one of the worst and most hurtful things one can say to an involuntarily childless person. Adoption is not always an option and it's definitely not an easy or guaranteed solution for anyone having infertility problems.

[mitzi007.livejournal.com]

I'd like to point out that saying "There's always adoption" is one of the worst and most hurtful things

Sorry. Open mouth, insert foot, again. But I plead ignorance on these matters.

[rowanna73.livejournal.com]

Not offended. Just wanted to point it out, in case you have to say something comforting to a childless person, that is not it... :)

[linblad.livejournal.com]

Todella mielenkiintoinen näkökulma omiin ennakkoluuloihin. Pakottaa todella olemaan jotain mieltä, jos pitää miettiä, olisko valmis jakamaan elämänsä kyseisenlaisen ihmisen kanssa. Toisaalta monissa piirteissä ajattelin tavallaan nykyhetkeä, eli että naimisiin ei menisi nyt, mutta jos ihminen olisi ajan X päästä erilainen, asia ei historiassa olisi este.

Muutama ahaa-elämys. Itse tajusin äsken ensimmäistä kertaa, etten luultavasti koskaan voisi mennä naimisiin ihmisen kanssa, joka ei puhu suomea. Mikä on globaalissa mittakaavassa melko rajoittavaa. Sydänystäväksi kyllä. Kämppikseksi kyllä (asuinhan aikoinaan yli vuoden saksalaisen tytön kämppiksenä yo-kylässä ja olimme läheiset ystävät). Muttei puoliskoksi, jonka kanssa pitää voida riidellä ja olla heikko ja uupunut. Verbaalinen purkaminen on ainoa konsti pysyä stressitilanteessa hengissä ja jos sitä ei pystyisi puolison kanssa tekemään, olisi vaikeaa. Tosin kihloja yms. seurustelua voisi harkita, jos toinen lähtee kielikurssille ja on halukas oppimaan.

Toisaalta mietin, voisiko mennä naimisiin jonkun kanssa, joka on todella huono sängyssä. Not-that-good:in ymmärsin kehityskelpoiseksi, eli lähinnä kokemattomaksi tai sellaiseksi, joka ei vain vielä ole tavallaan hoksannut mistä asiassa voi olla kyse tai tavannut oikeaa ihmistä. Eli voisi olla jopa hauskaa opettaa. Mutta really bad kuulostaa sellaiselta, jolla on jo tahallinen asenneongelma, esim. että nainen on vain miehen tyydyttämistä varten. Täyden hermostuneen tumpelon luokittelisin vain not-that-goodiin ja koulutuskelpoiseksi ;)

[arye-sarin.livejournal.com]

Toisaalta mietin, voisiko mennä naimisiin jonkun kanssa, joka on todella huono sängyssä.

Heh. Taas me ollaan linbladin kanssa päinvastaisilla linjoilla, mutta onneksi nämä ovat erittäin rauhanomaisia ja ei-häiritse-muiden-elämää kysymyksiä ja kumpikin hyväksyy toisen kannan täysin. Tai niin ainakin luulen. ; )
Mulle nuo sänkyjutut eivät siis merkitse mitään. Nuorempana jopa haaveilin että mistä löytäisin homon, joka olisi valmis menemään kanssani naimisiin ettei tarvitsisi harrastaa seksiä lainkaan. Lapset voisi tehdä muumimukimenetelmällä. Mutta toki tajusin että se olisi väärin toista osapuolta kohtaan, koska en luultavasti tykkäsi pidemmän päälle siitä että mies käy vieraissa tyydyttääkseen tarpeensa. Olisi siis pitänyt löytää yhtä "kylmä" tyyppi mitä itse olen.

[rosabel.livejournal.com]

Hmm. As a person who does not think of marriage as a kind of a climax to love life, I'd say... Well! If I'm with that person and none of those traits have driven me away from him yet, they won't affect my reasonings for getting married, either. I find it mildly depressing that I would love someone and spend time with them, but then not marry them just because of one of the traits mentioned. So if the question was "What would keep you from falling in love or considering a relationship with someone", then I'd go for physical violence, someone who doesn't love me that much and has very different political and religious view points compared to me. Those would be the priorities.

Actually, there are many options there mentioned which totally fit my current relationship :D (Doesn't speak my mother tongue, is of different race, more intelligent than I am... hehehe). Those are all things I had not even thought about before meeting this person. Who knows, maybe I would have ticked some of those boxes if I had never met him.