My issues, let me show them

[emmuzka]

Report on my shitty company sports day.

The whole day was like a bad flashback to my high-school days. The smell of the sport arena. The involuntary sports. Lugging your shit around and walking behind others because I'm slower than them and they don't have the decency to wait. The "will anyone sit with me?" in the crowded buffet lunch. The clump in your throat that you get when you feel like crying because you are shittier than the others and really, this isn't fun anymore, and no-one really gives a shit. Hoping to get some time alone to get away from it all, and then feeling like only lone kid in the schoolyard when managing to get it.

So, anyway. Here its how it went. The drive to Vierumäki sports academy took like hour and a half. Fortunately I managed to have my own space by reading a manga that I had taken with me (unfortunately it was very steamy yaoi, so I had to keep the book only half open during the porn bits.)

First we had a group contest with reasonably easy tasks. Acrobatics (yeah, sure), shooting arrows (okay), and frisbee golf (okay). These were okay, counting out the false group cheer and the fact that I couldn't have cared less. Then, a buffet lunch. And the fucking chairs were to small for my ass, causing it to really hurt to sit on them. So I had to sit on the edge of the chair, yay. And I'm not like, abnormally large or anything, just fat.

Then we gathered for a monthly office meeting (Before others arrived, my workmate, who had been setting this up, asked how was it going so far, and I told her that at that moment, I hated everything. I'm sure that I upset her, but I was a fucking upset for being the one who felt it challenging to walk to the different event places and because of the fucking chairs.) Meeting was a... it was like a meeting.

Then we had the freedom to choose either a nature walk (5.5 kilometers!) or kickbiking. I chose kickbiking. We got our helmets and bikes, and were told to try a round in an indoor arena first. After that would come some technique advice. Yeah, I managed half a round before my sense of balance was shot and my leg was on fire. I walked the bike back (where the instructions were already given, because hey, not giving a shit about the slow ones.) The instructions were like, how to change your standing foot while moving. (I couldn't kick with my right foot even if my life would depend on it.) When the instructor ordered people for one last indoor round before hitting outside, I raised my hand and said that he could take the bike back right then; I wouldn't be going anywhere.

And then I gathered my stuff and walked to the swimming hall cafeteria. Thank god I realized that I was an adult with a right to refuse from participating before I would have been the last one going slow in the middle of nowhere. Still, it hurt, and felt humiliating. A lot. But anyway. At least I had an excellent time to read the lj friendslist through my cell.

When the others arrived, we went to swim. At least I got to try out water running while the others were in the spa section (and who goes to swimming halls with itty bitty bikinis anyway?) Then, dinner, with the fucking chairs. We could order vine or beer if we wanted. I ordered vodka tonic.

And then we went back. I was so tired of all this cheery company spirit that I put on my iPod and read Big Bang fic for the whole trip. The icing on the cake was that I was too late roused to ask the bus to drop me off near my home so I ended walking home from the next bus stop, which was like a kilometer later.


So, that was my sports day. Let's not do it again any time soon.

Comments

[ainaria.livejournal.com]

Still, it hurt, and felt humiliating. A lot.

Yeah, I don't doubt that, but keep in mind, that the others probably didn't take it like that, or even notice. Of late I've realized that this or that is usually a big thing only in your own head and when you ask about it from others, they are like... whut?

(and who goes to swimming halls with itty bitty bikinis anyway?

*cough* Well, they're not itty bitty! Just normal bikinis! But I do wear them everywhere. Er... where there's water, that is. :)

I ordered vodka tonic.

I know the feeling.

Anyway, I'm sorry the day sucked. It could've been a fun day, too bad your company was so... thoughtless, really. We have a sports day in August, and we just got lists to choose what kind of sports groups we'd like to do (there are like 5 choices).

[emmuzka.livejournal.com]

The sad thing is that the company wasn't even thoughtless. I could have refused all the sports, and gone get something like a massage instead. The company had done almost everything they could to ensure that no one would have felt left out. It's the concept of a sports day that made it doomed from the beginning.

It was me with the problem, and the fact that healthy people just can't understand. I *know* that the others probably didn't notice, or give a shit. But you can't get the fat child out of an adult. The fat child will physically *die* to keep up with the thin ones in sports (and walking from place to place), and when she falls behind? She will die second time, this time *mentally*. Remember when in school the greatest sin on earth was to be alone? It just wouldn't do to be alone in a recess or practically anywhere. In sports, fat kids feel the same kind of humiliating isolation because of their physical condition.

And anyway, regarding my subjective experience of shitty, what the others thought or noticed wasn't relevant. Physical proweness has nothing to do with how the others see me doing my work. several times more effect to the work environment had to be in the fact that I willingly ignored them all in the trip back and listened my iPod instead of participating discussion there.

[arye-sarin.livejournal.com]

I understand so well. Back at school I was always the last ones to be chosen to anything, because I was lousy at sports. And I hated it. Because I was bad and other kids were pretty mean and let us bad ones know the fact what losers we were.

I still have that something inside me. And today even if I had a perfectly good reason not to take part into recreation day (or evening). I can't row a boat right now because I am sick, tired and prengnant with a big tummy. And others understood that and didn't tease me like they did to the others (continuous "go on, go on, go on, go on" for weeks before)who didn't go. But still I felt guilty for not taking part. Company had offered us such a great chance and payed for the food and drinks etc. and I refused.
Stupid to feel bad (and you shouldn't either), but what can you do. Old traumas run deep.

[pikku-gen.livejournal.com]

Täytyy sanoa, että itsekin olisin luultavasti inhonnut tuollaista urheilupäivää. Saatan olla laiha mutta eipä mulla ole lihaksiakaan (paitsi moppauskäsivarressa). Mä en lisäksi ole hyvä heittämään yhtään mitään ja hirveän arka tekemään mitään missä voi potentiaalisesti satuttaa itsensä, joten...

Hyvä että uskalsit luopua koko jutusta. Mä en olisi, välttämättä, vaikka mieli olisi tehnyt.

[emmuzka.livejournal.com]

Ryhmäpaine, mikä voimakas ilmiö :/

[maweisse.livejournal.com]

Well, you just described what I more or less imagine Hell to be like. All my sympathies go out to you.

[emmuzka.livejournal.com]

It sure hit all my "shitty school memories" -buttons. And now I feel like it would be polite to thank the workmate that set the thing up (she sits right facing me) but I keep polite silence. Thank god I had an opportunity to went the "I hated every second of it"-thing to my other room mate before she arrived, so I got it off from my system and I don't have to be impolite to her.

[sua-lay.livejournal.com]

*inner fat child cringes*

Oh man. :( I think such a day would have been okay in a group of people I'll never have to face again, but to add all that false company cheer and whatever team crap to it.... Just no.

I remember a few years back, on our team day, we did all those adventure things like climbing and crawling through mazes and walking on rope bridges, and it was great fun for a fat woman who has severe fear of heights and lousy sense of balance. It was awful, especially when everyone was so damn nice about it, cheering on. Doesn't matter if they mean it or not, it just hits the button screaming *condescending bastards*.

You should have ordered two drinks. :)

[emmuzka.livejournal.com]

Ooh, I hate the polite cheering! cheer if I do well in *normal* standards, not when I'm like, surviving. It just makes the fat person feel like disabled and the cheering feels forced, like it would be politically incorrect not to cheer to the fat one. :/

[tvillingar.livejournal.com]

I'm generally opposed to these forced let's-build-some-team-spirit gatherings because 1) they never really take into consideration everyone, 2) how can you build something that doesn't exist in the first place? And 3) sports isn't necessarily the best way to do this. No, I don't have any idea what would be a better way.

I'm quite impressed that you had the guts to refuse to jump through the rings and instead did your own thing. I don't think I could have done it. Go you!

Speaking of company sports days, let me tell you about mine: we got an email about a month ago that hey, a company sports day will be arranged and choose what you want to do from these options. About two hours later we got another email telling us that whups, of course someone should be staying at work (since the sports day was in the middle of the week) since we couldn't close down the whole company, yadda yadda.

Since my department is one of those ball-and-chain jobs where someone has to answer the 0800-number at all times (not to mention that if our department closes, everything closes), you can see how this goes: out of the 20 of us, a whopping 3 got to go. Whoop-de-doo.

So yes, I would have liked to try some archery and tai chi, though my balance is kinda shitty and even stretching hurts (also, do I even own a pair of sneakers?). I don't think that the people organizing this thing really understand that hey, there are departments that cannot just close up for a day and leave the work for the next day. If they really wanted everyone to be able to participate, they should have arranged for two separate days.

And now I'll stop ranting. For a while ;)

[emmuzka.livejournal.com]

Wow, that was thoughtless. And, your boss should have noticed right away that there was no back-up planned for your department. (but think about the possibilities for an illegal strike! If all of you would get sick at the same time.. ;))

[tvillingar.livejournal.com]

Bah, our boss found out about the sports day with the same email as we did, the department that planned the whole thing just doesn't seem to live in the same reality as the rest of us (there are about 350 people at the head office).

Also, I seem to own a pair of sneakers ;)

[anckyria.livejournal.com]

In-fucking-credibly poor planning, that.

[tvillingar.livejournal.com]

We thought so, too.

/sends sympathy

[dlasta.livejournal.com]

Well, poo.

One would assume that a little less rigorous exercise would be available for the people who are there to just have fun and like to avoid sweating.

Yay for the vodka tonic. Sometimes alcohol is just good for you.

[2ndbs.livejournal.com]

I so totally understand. Even if I did not feel exactly that way school, it was sometimes quite close. Finland is definitely NOT a land of dignity for fat people.

My last team meeting was actually nice: professional poker players taught us how to play texas hold'em and we had a mini-tournament and drinks. Department recreation day was GPS navigation in an island with some tasks. Only thing you could not avoid was walking but it was quite ok anyway, fresh air, no hurry and stuff.