(no subject)

[emmuzka]

Let me introduce to you: The favor trap.

The favor trap is when I promise to fix your leaking pipe for free, or knit you a cap, beta your fic, or just drive you around for errands because you don’t have a car, because I’m your friend or a relative and I’m a nice guy. Aren’t I nice? Yes, I am.

But what if I don’t do what I promised? Half a year later your pipe is still leaking, your head is getting cold for the lack of a cap, and you are getting impatient with your fic. You politely inquire if I don’t have the time for the pipe fixing; you can hire a professional to do the work if I can’t do it. No, I say, of course I will do it, I said that I would! I will do it next week, or I’m just going to buy the yarn for the cap.

So you wait some more because I’m your friend, only to notice that things aren’t looking that good. What then? If you hire someone else, or buy the cap, or ask someone else to beta your fic, you will drive both of us in an embarrassing situation. I will lose my face, and I will probably still keep believing that I would have done the task, and am unable to take the requirement of “in reasonable time” in consideration.

The only solutions are to either wait for me to do what I promised, or that we both, in a silent agreement, pretend that the promise was never made. But until then, you are stuck with my promise. Even if I just promised to drive you around, you can’t change your plans because I already reserved your time. Never mind that I’m three hours late.

And that is a favor trap. Beware of them at all costs.

Comments

[twindouble.livejournal.com]

Do you realize, that a post like this will make everyone start to think of a promise they might owe you, even if they have not made one?

Then everyone is embarrased to talk about it, when they fear that they have forgotten the promise they might or might not have made.

You advice is a good one, though.

[emmuzka.livejournal.com]

Oh no, this is more of a general note. People who have made promises do know about them, and I don't count general talks about doing something as promises! They are nothing to be frowned upon!

[twindouble.livejournal.com]

Thought so, but still...

[anckyria.livejournal.com]

This is why it's best to agree upon some kind of a time frame for a favour project. With the understanding that if the favour is not done by the end of that time period, the one needing the favour is free to seek it elsewhere and no hard feelings.

Preferably, the one who has agreed to do the favour by a certain time ought to inform the other party if it turns out s/he won't be able to do it after all. And no hard feelings.

[(Anonymous)]

Don't forget the next step: done-but-flat favor.

So your friend promised to fix that pipe and did after some waiting, but fixed it so badly that a real plummer charged extra for fixing the fix. You got your knitted cap but the design is so awful you cannot wear it and your friend asks you why you are not wearing it when it is cold. You were promised a drive so that you can run your errands, but the friend with the car arrives three hours later that was originally discussed and has time to drive you to only one place because she needs to do something else with the car in an hour.

The worst is if you are also expected to be grateful for those favors.

[anckyria.livejournal.com]

Oooooh, yes, those are cumbersome situations indeed.

Whether the last kind of situation really warrants gratefulness, however, is somewhat debatable IMHO. Being 15 to 30 min late is sort of understandable, but if you're later than that, you really ought to have the sense to inform the other party so s/he can make other arrangements (if s/he can, at that point). Favour or not, being very late is simply not on.

[emmuzka.livejournal.com]

Yes! And also, the favor-for-a-favor thing!

[rosabel.livejournal.com]

Well described!

And if this scenario happens in a bitter relationship, the additional solution is to at every turn remind everyone that the person never followed up with the promise, and oooh how you can never trust the person to do anything--but you still keep on asking that person to do stuff to get more fuel for the disappointment. (Solution brought to you by my mother!)

[emmuzka.livejournal.com]

Haa! In all decency, also the wallowing period over promises unfulfilled should be portioned to the promise. Nagging for forever would require something major, like a promise of MARRIAGE or something, not a promise to sew you a curtains.